Now, I know that only a few people on the planet will think this is funny. Some of you may even think it’s vulgar (no, not like the movie). Anyway, those people…I’m guessing…would be, Rob, my sister Laurie and my other sister Stephanie. Up until a few weeks ago, I thought Rob and I were the only ones at this event, but I was wrong. Laurie and Stephanie both told me they were there, and by the way, requested that this story be one of my posts. Craig would probably get a kick out of this too, just because he knows how Rob is.
It was a bright and sunny afternoon, a lazy Saturday, if I remember correctly. I was sitting at home, just eating my turkey sandwich watching some television. I think I was petting my cat, Smokey, who was sitting next to me on the couch.
Now I know this is not Smokey, it’s Simon, and he is not on the couch. I thought that if I posted a cute picture here, someone might stop to read the post. It’s all marketing, baby.
Anyway, I was just minding my own business when Rob called me on the phone. “Hey, can I come up?” he asked. “Sure,” I said, and hung up the phone. It wasn’t a very long conversation. He lived two houses away, so it took him about three minutes to get there. He knocked on the front door and I yelled for him to come in. He walked over and sat next to me on the couch…on my right side. We both sat there for a few minutes. No words were exchanged. He was probably wondering why I didn’t offer him any of my turkey sandwich. I didn’t care, I just wanted to finish the sandwich because I was hungry. Maybe during the four minute wait, I gave him a look or two and perhaps he smiled back. Being friends for as long as we have been, we didn’t need much as far as pleasantries.
This is where it gets interesting…and I have no idea why I did what I did. Every day of my life I look back and wonder why I did some of the things I am guilty of. We are all guilty of something, but I may be more than others, especially to Rob.
Ok, the TV show had just ended and it just so happened that I had just put the last bite of my sandwich in my mouth. I was chewing and trying to get everything down. A few more moments passed and I was basically done. A couple of commercials had gone by and I was at the point of using my tongue to clean out any excess turkey from my mouth. I am sure we are all aware of what I am talking about. This is the disgusting part…and by all means, close this page if you are offended by disgusting things. I had one little chunk of turkey left in my mouth (about the size of a “Nerd” candy), when all of the sudden this urge came over me. I looked at Rob, who was watching the television and I said, “Hey.” He turned his head towards me and his gaze settled upon mine. I worked up the chunk of turkey on the tip of my tongue and used a forceful blast of air to propel the chunk in poor Rob’s direction (I am really trying to keep this clean). The chunk of turkey struck Rob somewhere, but I wasn’t sure where. In my mind, I thought, home run! Rob’s head flew backwards just like Kramer’s did in that episode of Seinfeld when he thought he was spit on by Keith Hernandez.
You are probably sitting there thinking, “Jay, that’s not very funny.” I assure you, it was funny, but not as funny as what happened next. Rob has a very special way of reacting to such events in his life. He doesn’t get upset for some time…and surprisingly enough, his initial reactions are very subdued. Rob recovered from his sudden jerk backwards and straightened up his head to face my general direction. I was laughing so hard. He didn’t even say anything. All he did was slowly lift his left hand up to his left eye and pull down his left eyelid. Low and behold, there was the chunk of turkey, sitting on the inside of his lower eyelid. How it managed to get lodged in there, I will never know. At this point, I was on the floor, laying face down, pounding it with laughter. He still didn’t say anything. He slowly got up and walked into the bathroom. This is where it gets a little fuzzy, because both Laurie and Stephanie say they went into the bathroom with him and saw him pull his eyelid down again to remove the turkey. Can you imagine being Rob and having to walk to the bathroom…all the way, feeling the pressure of a Nerd sized chunk of turkey in your eye? Stephanie says she almost lost it when she was standing on the edge of the bathtub and began to realize what Rob was going through. Laurie says she was a witness too…who knew?
Rob got everything taken care of and really didn’t even say anything to me about it. I think the extent of his comments were, “Jay, what in the world would possess you to spit a chunk of turkey in my eye?” To which, I responded, “Whoops?”
I want to take this moment to warn you about two more episodes that have to do with Rob that I will write in the future. I can guarantee that you will agree that they are the most incredibly hilarious things you will ever hear of. Stories #5, #4 and #3 are wickedly mild compared to what you are in store for in #2 and #1.