Archive for February, 2007
Monday, February 19th, 2007
Now, I know that only a few people on the planet will think this is funny. Some of you may even think it’s vulgar (no, not like the movie). Anyway, those people…I’m guessing…would be, Rob, my sister Laurie and my other sister Stephanie. Up until a few weeks ago, I thought Rob and I were the only ones at this event, but I was wrong. Laurie and Stephanie both told me they were there, and by the way, requested that this story be one of my posts. Craig would probably get a kick out of this too, just because he knows how Rob is.
It was a bright and sunny afternoon, a lazy Saturday, if I remember correctly. I was sitting at home in Brewster just eating my turkey sandwich watching some television. I think I was petting my cat, Smokey, who was sitting next to me on the couch.
Now I know this is not Smokey, it’s Simon, and he is not on the couch. I thought that if I posted a cute picture here, someone might stop to read the post. It’s all marketing, baby.
Anyway, I was just minding my own business when Rob called me on the phone. “Hey, can I come up?” he asked. “Sure,” I said, and hung up the phone. It wasn’t a very long conversation. He lived two houses away, so it took him about three minutes to get there. He knocked on the front door and I yelled for him to come in. He walked over and sat next to me on the couch…on my right side. We both sat there for a few minutes. No words were exchanged. He was probably wondering why I didn’t offer him any of my turkey sandwich. I didn’t care, I just wanted to finish the sandwich because I was hungry. Maybe during the four minute wait, I gave him a look or two and perhaps he smiled back. Being friends for as long as we have been, we didn’t need much as far as pleasantries.
This is where it gets interesting…and I have no idea why I did what I did. Every day of my life I look back and wonder why I did some of the things I am guilty of. We are all guilty of something, but I may be more than others, especially to Rob.
Ok, the TV show had just ended and it just so happened that I had just put the last bite of my sandwich in my mouth. I was chewing and trying to get everything down. A few more moments passed and I was basically done. A couple of commercials had gone by and I was at the point of using my tongue to clean out any excess turkey from my mouth. I am sure we are all aware of what I am talking about. This is the disgusting part…and by all means, close this page if you are offended by disgusting things. I had one little chunk of turkey left in my mouth (about the size of a “Nerd” candy), when all of the sudden this urge came over me. I looked at Rob, who was watching the television and I said, “Hey.” He turned his head towards me and his gaze settled upon mine. I worked up the chunk of turkey on the tip of my tongue and used a forceful blast of air to propel the chunk in poor Rob’s direction (I am really trying to keep this clean). The chunk of turkey struck Rob somewhere, but I wasn’t sure where. In my mind, I thought, home run! Rob’s head flew backwards just like Kramer’s did in that episode of Seinfeld when he thought he was spit on by Keith Hernandez.
You are probably sitting there thinking, “Jay, that’s not very funny.” I assure you, it was funny, but not as funny as what happened next. Rob has a very special way of reacting to such events in his life. He doesn’t get upset for some time…and surprisingly enough, his initial reactions are very subdued. Rob recovered from his sudden jerk backwards and straightened up his head to face my general direction. I was laughing so hard. He didn’t even say anything. All he did was slowly lift his left hand up to his left eye and pull down his left eyelid. Low and behold, there was the chunk of turkey, sitting on the inside of his lower eyelid. How it managed to get lodged in there, I will never know. At this point, I was on the floor, laying face down, pounding it with laughter. He still didn’t say anything. He slowly got up and walked into the bathroom. This is where it gets a little fuzzy, because both Laurie and Stephanie say they went into the bathroom with him and saw him pull his eyelid down again to remove the turkey. Can you imagine being Rob and having to walk to the bathroom…all the way, feeling the pressure of a Nerd sized chunk of turkey in your eye? Stephanie says she almost lost it when she was standing on the edge of the bathtub and began to realize what Rob was going through. Laurie says she was a witness too…who knew?
Rob got everything taken care of and really didn’t even say anything to me about it. I think the extent of his comments were, “Jay, what in the world would possess you to spit a chunk of turkey in my eye?” To which, I responded, “Whoops?”
I want to take this moment to warn you about two more episodes that have to do with Rob that I will write in the future. I can guarantee that you will agree that they are the most incredibly hilarious things you will ever hear of. Stories #5, #4 and #3 are wickedly mild compared to what you are in store for in #2 and #1.
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Sunday, February 18th, 2007
Hours - 26
This was a pretty good lesson. We got a nice start because the airplane was already cleaned off after Wednesday’s snow storm. Also, it wasn’t bitter cold, like the last few lessons. I really wanted to get up to Columbia County Airport (1B1) in Hudson, NY. I have had the navigation log finished twice now. I didn’t make a new one for this lesson because I wasn’t sure if we were going to go. Also, the winds, speed and temp were almost the same as last time.
We took off and headed for 1B1. I was using the Pawling VOR for navigation. I am pretty used the the area now, so there aren’t a lot of surprises. We made it just fine to the VOR station and changed course and headed for 1B1. We had a nice tailwind so our ground speed was 139KTS. Going somewhere with that speed will get you there pretty quickly. We made it to the airport faster then I thought. My communications were good, but my main issue is hearing things. Sometimes the airplane gets kind of loud while I am climbing, or someone’s radio isn’t clear…I just have trouble with it. My hearing is fine, but I don’t have the $800 headset with noise canceling. I got the $300 one without. That will be my next present for myself. I had to ask ATC to repeat themselves about five times during the trip. Good thing they were different guys each time.
Early on in the trip Yigal and I got in a spat because I told him I couldn’t hear ATC because he was talking…that’s why I made a bad radio call. He said, “Fine, I won’t say another word unless there is an emergency.” I told him he could talk, but he said I was on my own. It worked out well, because I learn better when I am put in a situation. I made all the calls the whole time. A few times I said, “What did he say?” Yigal didn’t give up. I had to ask ATC to repeat themselves…just as if I were in the plane alone. It was fun.
Anyway, we made it back to MGJ with a ground speed of only 89KTS due to the headwind. I descended for a straight on approach for runway 26. Smooth landing and all that.
Next Saturday I am scheduled to practice my takeoffs and landings solo at the airport. I sure hope the wind is calm. Till then…
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Sunday, February 11th, 2007
Hours - 24.3
Since I have been pretty busy with VOR navigation, airspace and communications practice, I thought I was getting a little rusty with my landings, so I went in today to brush up. Yigal wasn’t available today, but Dan, another instructor was. I wanted to go up solo, but the wind was too much at gusts of up to 20KTS. Based on my first landing, I am glad Dan was available. It was a little iffy.
Basically, it was a very straightforward day. I did 7 touch and goes and got 1.2 hours of time in. Besides that first landing, all the others were pretty good. I did make an effort to keep on the centerline during my final approach and also used more of a side slip, as opposed to my usual crabbing. I like the side slip better and think that will be my crosswind landing technique of choice.
I think I need to double my income, double up on my lessons and work half as much. That would get me done faster. How’s that?
Till next time…
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Friday, February 9th, 2007
Hours - 23.2
Another cold day for a lesson. This one was last Saturday morning. We used up some time cleaning the snow off the plane, but still got a good 1.2 hours in. I wanted to go up to 1B1, but that wasn’t going to happen…not enough time. I just can’t seem to get up to that airport. I really can’t wait for the good weather to come back. It seems like my life now needs warmer weather. I miss flying, hiking and landscaping. From my previous posts, you can probably tell that I like plants, shrubs and flowers. Oh well.
We hopped in the plane and did our thing. I climbed to about 3,500FT and headed towards SWF. I must say that I was a little razzled because of the cold and the snow. Also, my whole game plan had been thrown off, so I was in the middle of nowhere in my mind. This is probably good practice for what to do if an unexpected event arises while flying as pilot in command. Everything you do is good practice when flying.
Yigal was throwing things at me left and right. He had me head towards the Pawling VOR. Once I had that established, he told me to head towards the Huguenot VOR. Things were coming pretty fast. I tend to forget some things while under pressure, but I will get it. I was having a little trouble with the NAV part of the radio. I forgot how to refine the frequency after the dot…like 116.1. Then, he told me to land at SWF for a touch and go. I started to put in the frequency for Stewart, 121.0, but forgot to listen to the ATIS at 124.57. You need to listen to the ATIS before calling the tower while entering class D airspace. The ATIS will tell a pilot important information that would take up too much time for ATC to say every single time to every pilot. At the end of each recording, the ATIS tells you which version of information you just heard…like, “This is information Bravo.” The tower updates this information continuously throughout the day, so it is important that you tell the tower which version you heard.
I tuned in to the ATIS and listened to the information. Yigal started going over something, so I never got to record which version I just heard. I didn’t realize this until I made my radio call to the tower. I made my call, told them my position, my altitude and made a request for clearance to land for a touch and go. Right at that point, I knew I didn’t know what version of information I heard, so I left it off. Oh well. We landed for a touch and go and then came back for another.
After we were through there, I headed back to MGJ and entered the pattern just fine. Yigal wanted to land the plane because the runway was a sheet of ice. He did a good job, but I would’ve preferred it if he had asked me for some advice. I am rather good at these things you know.
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Thursday, February 8th, 2007
I just have to write these things. Usually, when I am out to dinner with more than one person, I bring up the funniest things that have ever happened in my life. I know this sounds strange, and you may be asking, “Jay, how do you remember such things?” Well, let me tell you…I have been thinking of these events since I was about 17 years old. I have them in perfect order in my head, from #5 to #1. I giggle even thinking of them.
Let me first give you a little background into those involved. I have two best friends. One I like much more than the other, but I won’t tell you which one. Just kidding, I thought that would be funny to make them wonder. But seriously, one is much better looking than the other. Anyway, there is Rob and there is Craig. To sum up their personalities is this; they are both waiting for the big one…the lotto, the settlement, the hot stock pick…the big one. I suppose we are all waiting for the big one.
Rob is a very special person. He is the kind of guy who likes to give you a hug. There is no one person on the planet that I play off of better. I remember a trip once where we were driving to Atlanta. We were in Pennsylvania and just passed the exit for Phillipsburg/Bloomsbury. We both thought those two words were kind of funny and continued to say, “Phillipsburg/Bloomsbury” with a female English accent well into Virginia. He would say it and then I would say it. Very funny and got funnier as time went on.
Rob and I used to help Craig out sometimes with his tree service. At the end of each day, Craig would profess to us that he was never going to have us work together again. He would be all pissed off that we joked around all day and that the customer watched as we made asses out of ourselves. Then, we would give him a hug and ask what time he wanted us ready for work the next day. 7:00…just like every morning. Then yet again, I would show up at 7:00 and we would hop in the truck to roll down to Rob’s driveway and honk because he was still in bed. Those were the good old days. Even today when I call Rob, there really is only a window of about 3 minutes where we are serious. After that, we are back to the regular old us.
Craig is also a very special person. He is the kind of guy who likes to get hugs. Rob gives ‘em and Craig gets ‘em. Who knows.
Craig is the guy who thinks he is serious. He really does. Of course, being around us, this lasts for only a few minutes. He could be rescuing people off a sinking ship when Rob and I would show up. A few moments later, Craig would be floating on his back laughing so deeply that breathing would be difficult. People would be diving off the boat and Craig would be trying to stay afloat. Our chemistry is remarkable.
Craig is a teacher. He likes to offer all sorts of information about all sorts of stuff. In general, his brain holds a good chunk of knowledge. At times though, I would ask him about something that he knows absolutely nothing about. If speaking to the average layman, his offering of information would be completely believable…but to me, not so much. I would question him about it for a while and then we would both come to the conclusion that he knows absolutely nothing about what he is talking about. He would start laughing and I would start laughing and then…the hug. Rob got us into the hugs.
Well, back to the reason for this post. There are 5 distinct things that happened in my life that are funnier than all the rest. These are the only stories that anyone will actually let me finish. In the days of cutting each other off before we finish our sentences, this is pretty special. I have narrowed the stories down, refined them and discussed them. I finally decided that these are the ones. Unfortunately, for those involved, I am usually the cause of the humor, not the recipient. I am hoping that these stories become my legacy. I know that is not the highest of goals, but it’s mine.
One day in July, Rob and I were hanging out on the corner of the street. We knew this as “Sunset.” My house was about 30 feet away. Rob lived two houses down the street and Craig lived one up. We were all neighbors all of our lives. The corner was the intersection of Hickory Drive and Sunset Drive. More things have happened at this intersection than I would care to discuss…motorcycles, quads, basketball, cops, love, hate, tears, sweat and blood. Meet me at Sunset became a common term for us.
Many times, I would be working on my car in my driveway and Craig would be working on his. I had a Camaro and he had a Barracuda. This particular day, Rob walked up the road and I was in my driveway, like usual, working on my car. Craig was inside doing who knows what. We talked for a little while and decided to give Craig a call. I picked up the phone and dialed. I could hear the phone ringing in his house. He answered and I told him to come out…we were just chilling in my driveway. He agreed and hung up. For some reason, Craig always took a while to come out of his house. It’s almost like he was eating a gourmet meal or something. I can imagine it this way: I would call and Craig would answer the phone. We would discuss meeting outside. He would agree and begin to finish his meal. He would have four more conversations with three more people. Then, he would remove his bib with the lobster picture on it. He would go to the bathroom, shave, slick back his hair, put on some cologne, boots a belt and then go outside. I, on the other hand, just get up and walk outside. To each their own, I suppose.
Rob and I got a little bored waiting for Craig, so we headed for the corner. The whole reason we wanted him to come out is because we had a fresh shipment of bottle rockets. I did mention it was July, right? About 15 minutes went by and Rob and I were getting extremely itchy to light these things off. We already burned as many leaves as we could and were getting bored when Rob came up with an idea. We would lay some bottle rockets on the ground, facing up the street. They would shoot horizontally about 100 feet and explode right in front of Craig’s house. This would be too much for him to resist and he would finally get the heck outside.
We started lighting a few off. As expected, they flew straight up the road and made a big bang right where we wanted them to. Where the heck was he? Who knows…we just kept lighting them and they kept exploding. After a little while, we forget that he was even coming outside…but right at that moment…it happened. Picture this in slow motion…Rob and I laughing at something stupid, slapping our knees, when I light off the next bottle rocket. WHOOOSH…straight up the road. 25 feet…50 feet…75 feet…still going. At that very moment, we both look up to see a hint of the color black and two white dots. The black was the knee of Craig’s favorite pair of Z Cavarichis and the white were the big tongues of his white Nike hightops. A little further…we notice the purple of Craig’s IOU sweatshirt (tucked in) and the black of his belt. His pants were tucked into his socks and his hair was glistening in the sunlight. No wonder he took so long. He was getting all gussied up.
The bottle rocket was inching up the street. Craig was in a great mood…he was almost dancing across his yard and making his way onto the road…the same road the bottle rocket was blazing up. “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!…,” we yelled. Poor Craig was oblivious. All he wanted to do is to hang out with his best friends. The rocket was red glare and Craig was skipping in the air. I even thought I heard him singing a soft lullaby. Closer…slowly…WHOOOSH. Craig made one step onto the road when the bottle rocket made a slight turn to the right. These things are very unpredictable, you know. Craig looked up and said, “Hey, what’s up gu….” when the rocket tore a little bit more to the right and headed straight for poor Craig’s head. Craig saw this and stared straight at the rocket coming right at him. I think I even saw his eyes go crossed as it got closer. “WHOA…!!!” he yelled as he tried to move his head with a bob and a weave. He did a good job, but not good enough. WHOOOSH…SLICE…right across the left side of Craig’s neck. Suddenly, the rocket exploded. Luckily it was a few feet in back of Craig. He whipped his hand up to hold his neck and starts yelling. Rob and I just stared at each other. Craig walked slowly down to us, still holding his hand to his neck. He arrived and just gives us this look…one of disappointment. He removed his hand from his neck and I could almost hear the pee dribbling down Rob’s leg. We both burst out laughing. Craig had a red stripe across the whole side of his neck. I know this might not sound funny, but it wasn’t a bad injury. Just thinking of the shock Craig just had was funny enough. One minute he was dancing across his front lawn and the next, he was all shook up, when all he wanted to do was show us his new Cavarichis. We all broke out in laughter and continued to shoot off the bottle rockets. No harm done, but one funny ass event.
The moral of this story…don’t wear Z Cavarichis.
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